Andrea Cooper

Commentator Andrea Cooper isn’t going anywhere near the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. During a trip to Disney World, Cooper spent more time with Disney pirates than she ever wanted to.

To hear the commentary, listen at

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1323677

The ride began grisly and stayed that way. My nine-year-old and I saw a pirate stuff a prisoner's head into a bucket of water, then pull him out by the hair. In another vignette, a pirate yelled something like, "Die, ye scum! Die, ye scum! "Die, ye-"

That's when I realized we weren't moving. Ahead and behind us, boats floated bumper to bumper. We watched a pirate chase a woman around endlessly. My daughter was starting to freak. So was I. Disney is not supposed to break down. "Die, ye scum!" the pirate told me.

A recorded voice kept warning us to stay in our seats. We bobbed forwards, then backwards, for half an hour. At some point they had the good sense to shut off the sound, so the pirates slashed and burned in silence. After that they ground to a halt.

We finally spotted a beautiful image on the horizon -- an exit sign. A teenager in our boat plotted our escape. He'd step onto land and see what lay beyond that exit. The rest of us would follow. I, the only adult in the craft, urged him on. I could see a clear, wide path between a poor sap in a stockade and a fort teeming with pirates, like roaches.

As soon as the kid stepped out of the boat, a young Disney worker burst through the exit and headed towards us like a cannon ball. "Please remain seated, sir!" he ordered. Either this was a remarkable coincidence, or somebody from Disney had been watching us all along. My daughter and I bolted for the door, hostages no more.

The sunlight outside was stunning. So was the scenery. Disney World had vanished. We'd stepped into an ugly back lot with no people and nothing moving, just parked trucks, a curving concrete road, and the backs of low buildings. It was Oz in reverse, from color to black and white.

I glanced down and concluded Disney does have a plan for everything, even trapped customers. There were yellow arrows, one after the other, on the sidewalk. We followed them. I remember passing trees and a dumpster, but to be honest, I didn't look up much. It was too unnerving to be in the guts of Disney. I felt like we’d be stuck here, on the back side of illusions, forever.

After about a block, the yellow arrows led to a door. We opened it, walked through, and zap! The Magic Kingdom was back.

It was weirdly fun to see the pirate illusion collapse. But if you want the drabness of reality, you don't go to Disney. So I swore I'll never take that pirates ride again. And even with Johnny Depp in the lead, there's no way I'll see the movie. I already know what the pirates are really like.